The Guide To Everything

You let one guest contributer in and the rest are no where to be seen. Well, one wasn't looking and didn't duck quickly enough so I'm delighted to "Ctrl V," a piece from my good friend Cuthbert Breeze at Cult Comedy. His mind is a dark and confused place but he usually manages to say something profound in the most unpredictable, and probably unintentional, way.

146 Puzzle/ Mysteries / Why aren't economic terms in financial reports replaced with biscuit related words to make them more interesting.

Ireland has pledged to inject extra Mint Viscount into its stricken Jammie Dodger sector as fears rose that the total cost to save its Ginger Nuts could rise as high as €50bn. See much better, and none of the original meaning lost.

You could have the Chancellor of the HobNob, Peek Frean Oil and when a crash occurs everyone loses their Chocolate Rings.

The Footsie can become the Tootsie, the CAC becomes the Mr Kipling French Fancy, the Credit Crunch becomes the Abbey Crunch or the Fox’s Sprinkle Crinkle Crunch, and any stock reaching the heady heights of 54,321 must be reported as 5-4-3-2-1.

There will be Blue Riband and Choc Chip companies. A popular trend becomes the Band Wagon Wheel. A FSA investigation will be known as a Cadbury’s Finger.

A CEO becomes an Oreo.

A take-over will be termed a Nab-(h)is-co.

A Tracker stays the same.

Income Taxi, New Shortbread rules, and any round up of news will be called a Digestive.

This is much more fun and so the common man will pay more attention and the pricks that run financial institutions and companies will be caught quickly before they bring us all to the brink of ruin.

The new Japanese Stock Index the NI-CE 225.