Dirk Does The Garden


Dirk's Beautiful Kentish Garden, the day after he got his new chainsaw.Dirk Randolph is back with another domestic update from the Garden of England, although our man does appear to be having one or two issues in his little bit of Kent.

"Anybody else end up in a garden centre over the weekend?

As sure as eggs are eggs there will be another £8.99 to replace yet another pistol-grip hose attachment, the ones which are designed to crack if left out in overnight winter frosts.  Women are responsible for this, for when they remove them so as to get the gentle gush (boooring) which is apparently the best flow for watering something they then leave them hidden in the leaves.  And then, why is it only a man who gets satisfaction from winding the hose back onto the reel?.  We tend to zip up suitcases too..what’s so strange about that? 

Anyway, on the subject of manly pursuits, having spent a fortune on logs this winter I’ve been stalking a few trees which might like to come down in time to keep us warm during the next one.  Pollarding is quite an energetic sport if done properly and after some aggressive sweeps with the chain-saw I’ve gone right back to the trunk with a couple of willows.  Standing there menacingly with the engine idling there’s that “now what?” moment as I contemplate the fact that though I may have cleared a view of the pond behind, until the foliage grows back all I have now is a vertical log.  Like a man in the barbers who looks up too late from his Heat magazine what we have here is a problem that only time will heal. Either that or the whole lot’s got to go.

Perhaps I’ll compromise with a new willow from the garden centre."