There are three things a man must get right in his life. His choice of wife, his lawn mower and fridge.
"Fridge? What's he rambling on about now"? I hear you cry.
Rarely have I come as close to divorce as was the case in the early days of marriage when, on opening the freezer door, I was shocked to find empty ice trays. That is an absolute marriage show stopper. A considerable investment though, in one of those big shiny American fridges the size of the Tardis, with an ice maker, quickly restored marital equilibrium. Ever since, she's looked after the right hand side where the food is, and I'm in charge of the ice on the left hand side.
Moving on, I was striding down Jermyn Street the other day and noticed a sale in Harvie & Hudson. They're knocking out £300 and something blazers for £99. After 30 years I thought I was due an upgrade so promptly bought one, took it home and asked Mrs Flashbang where my old blazer was?
"That old thing.... the one you haven't worn for years because it didn't fit?"
"Yes sweetheart, the old thing I've had since I was at Sandhurst; you know, my favourite old blazer."
"Threw it out. I asked you at the time and you said yes but you probably weren't listening.... again"
I reflected on this for a moment then asked, "So... where are the buttons, where did you put my regimental buttons?"
When she abruptly answered, "gone with the blazer, what do you think I did with them,"
I knew any pursuit of the logic of the short sighted and cruel disposal of my regimental buttons would be utterly pointless. I loved that blazer...... a part of me went to the incinerator with the blazer the day she wantonly tossed it out.
I've enquired about the cost of new regimental buttons...... £247 which has suddenly made my new blazer rather expensive. I'm left pondering whether I should amend the three things a man should get right in his life to garden mover, fridge and blazer buttons.... or perhaps it should just read wife!